Joseph Smith, teetotalers, and sacred underwear, oh my!

The husband and I have been living in the Texas heat for a combined total of 41 years. Rather than becoming acclimated to living in the moist oven that is Austin, Texas from April through October, our bodies have reached a point of critical thermal mass. We can take it no longer! And so, this July, we will be making the most of a 26-foot Penske truck and moving to the land of Big Love… Utah. That’s right you dirty polygamists, we’re headed your way!

When we tell people about our plans, to a soul they respond with some variation of the question: “But, you’re not Mormon, are you?” The answer is no, we are Catholic– and although we may not attend mass weekly, I was raised in Catholic schools and have attended so many masses, vigils, rosaries and reenactments of Christ’s crucifixion that I could probably remain a shut-in for the next ten years and still come out ahead of most “good” Catholics. Yes, we know that Utah is infested with proselytizing Mormons. So why move there? It’s simple. SNOW.

Yet, I must admit, the inevitable materialization of pair after pair of young aryan men knocking on our door to inquire upon the state of our relationship with “Father” is somewhat disconcerting. How do we go about telling them, politely, that they can take the tainted Kool-Aid elsewhere? “Take us off your list?” “No thanks, you can give our seats on the Mother-ship to some other deserving couple.” “Nice suit. My cell-mate used to dress up for me sorta like that…. Wanna come in?”

*LEGAL DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this excellently written post are not the views of Somegosoftly and Somegosoftly takes no responsibility for anything offensive or immoral that may be contained herein. Any similarity to actual Mormons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Comments or complaints regarding this post may be directed to: 123 Crybaby Lane, Sissyville 98765.*

She’ll be watching Law & Order two hours earlier…

Somegosoftly has reached Seattle! I know you are all atwitter, anxious to hear about the journey and first impressions of the new habitat, but CK needs her rest. The best part of this post, I’m sure, is the resulting fact that you will no longer be subjected to my amateur attempts at blogging…. Except maybe one more…..

Thou shalt not neglect thy friend’s blog.

Okay, so maybe I wasn’t the best choice to act as steward of somegosoftly during CK’s road-trip. I failed to post yesterday, leaving somegosoftly’s dedicated readers to fend for themselves in cyberspace on the one day of the week when employers actually expect you to spend more time surfing the internet than working: Friday.

Instead of crafting something interesting, amusing or thought-provoking to publish on my good friend’s blog, I spent Friday cleaning my house from top to bottom in anticipation of the arrival of Very Special Friends from Dallas whom we haven’t seen in over a year. So much has changed in the year since we’ve seen the VSFfDs… the most notable is that we have created a new little person who lives with us and fills our days with sunshine and laughter. The VSFfDs have no children, and I feared the sight of my house — strewn with noisy, colorful toys, piles of laundry and dirty dishes, and elsewhere blanketed with a thick layer of dust — might forever postpone any plans they had of procreating. Hence Friday’s marathon house-cleaning project.

Toilets scrubbed to sparkling perfection, floors swiffered and mopped, all laundry folded and hidden away, I finally put my feet up and opened a beer. Too tired, I mumbled, too tired to blog tonight. Three beers later, I crawled into bed and fell fast asleep, confident that the VSFfDs would arrive tomorrow and think I was the perfect wife and mother– Just look at these toilets! they would exclaim, I think we could eat off of them!

Alas, no happy dreams awaited me. Instead, I woke with a start in the middle of the night, heart pounding and overwhelmed by guilt. You see, I dreamt that a lonely somegosoftly reader, distraught by the absence of a Friday post, had decided to shrug off this mortal coil… her suicide note: an eloquent goodbye posted as a comment on this blog. To that poor soul I can only say I’m sorry you had to die… but God are my toilets clean!

Bon Voyage

If I was a color, today I would be blue. The day has finally come when our dear friends pack their car and begin their cross-country trek to the Evergreen State. We joined CK and MK for one last lunch Wednesday at Ski Shores, where we reveled in the sunshine and the sight of little kids (okay, us too) throwing bread and french fries to the fish and turtles just off the dock. I was able to fight off tears only by imagining the screaming fits CK and MK will likely have whilst trapped in the front of their over-stuffed SUV for the next five days. If only they had a video in the dashboard a la Oprah and Gayle. I’m not saying it would be a chronicle of the demise of their marriage, but if MK shows up in Seattle with only nine fingers, for instance, will we ever know the truth?

Here are a few of the things that I will miss the most:

1. Sitting in the meat-locker that is Rudy’s on 620, scarfing down brisket and sausage, while MK and BB talk shop, CK picks at chicken and we complain about the latest dumb things our husband/neighbor/Rosie O’Donnell did/said.

2. Sitting at Freebird’s, doing much the same as in No. 1.

3. Making plans to meet up with the K’s, which always involved a minimum of nineteen phone calls, of which MK only answered two. I still don’t understand this ritual, since we only ever met at Rudy’s or Freebird’s, but I’ll miss it nonetheless.

4. Having my eardrums assaulted alternately by a) the screaming toddler who, when not released for a beating, apparently lives in a cage upstairs of the K’s apartment, and b) the Rave music CK played to drown out Satan’s spawn.

5. Knowing someone who can fix my camera and teach me all sorts of nifty tricks, without whom I would not be able to share pics like this:


These things may sound lame and not worth shedding a tear over, but what it all amounts to is that our best friends are gone, and we already miss them. If all goes well, they’ll be in Denver by tomorrow morning. Wish them luck!