The husband and I have been living in the Texas heat for a combined total of 41 years. Rather than becoming acclimated to living in the moist oven that is Austin, Texas from April through October, our bodies have reached a point of critical thermal mass. We can take it no longer! And so, this July, we will be making the most of a 26-foot Penske truck and moving to the land of Big Love… Utah. That’s right you dirty polygamists, we’re headed your way!

When we tell people about our plans, to a soul they respond with some variation of the question: “But, you’re not Mormon, are you?” The answer is no, we are Catholic– and although we may not attend mass weekly, I was raised in Catholic schools and have attended so many masses, vigils, rosaries and reenactments of Christ’s crucifixion that I could probably remain a shut-in for the next ten years and still come out ahead of most “good” Catholics. Yes, we know that Utah is infested with proselytizing Mormons. So why move there? It’s simple. SNOW.

Yet, I must admit, the inevitable materialization of pair after pair of young aryan men knocking on our door to inquire upon the state of our relationship with “Father” is somewhat disconcerting. How do we go about telling them, politely, that they can take the tainted Kool-Aid elsewhere? “Take us off your list?” “No thanks, you can give our seats on the Mother-ship to some other deserving couple.” “Nice suit. My cell-mate used to dress up for me sorta like that…. Wanna come in?”

*LEGAL DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this excellently written post are not the views of Somegosoftly and Somegosoftly takes no responsibility for anything offensive or immoral that may be contained herein. Any similarity to actual Mormons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Comments or complaints regarding this post may be directed to: 123 Crybaby Lane, Sissyville 98765.*