Open Letter To My House


First off, let me say happy two year anniversary. Time with you has really flown by. I really hope you like your gift, that new water heater and furnace looks really nice.

Ya know, to be honest, the last two years have been a little nuts. You got new fireplaces, new doors, new windows, new trim. I painted literally 100% of you. You have some nice new things going on. You aren’t as drafty as you used to be. You have all new toilets, new tiling, gorgeous art, and a really nice owner that does so much for you, inside and out.

It would be really great if you took a little break. Stop having issues. That stunt you tried to pull with the garbage disposal, stuff like that is not going to fly. You have drained the bank account enough. So just chill out a bit, ok?

No more water pipes bursting. No one likes a house that is so needy and desperate for attention.

I’ve loved you as much as possible even though you are taking some of my best years and requiring a lot of work and attention. Time to love me back.


2 thoughts on “Open Letter To My House

  1. The house would be like, “Look, it’s cold up here, and I’ve kept you warm. I was built in the 70s, I’m older than you. I’ve had more reconstructive work than Joan Rivers. Let’s just remember the roof has never fallen in and I’ve never done anything to hurt you (intentionally). Thanks for the heated stairs, those are like warm socks. Now go dust me.”

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