Scaring The Lifeguards

I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this here before, but I can’t swim, not really.  I took lessons as a kid at the Reservoir and the monster mean lady told me sharks would eat my toes if I didn’t swim right. Like that’s going to work. I can kinda force myself around in a pool, if  I don’t put my head under. And if I can touch. No deep end for me. Unless there’s a wall to cling to once I get over there. Never learned treading water. My Kardashian booty sinks like a rock.

So I’m not exactly sure what to call yesterday. Last year MK forced me to snorkel, by teaching me in the pool and taking me to see the leopard sharks. It was insane. But I did it. It was my understanding that that was a one time deal and I’d never have to go through that trauma again…

But MK decided he wanted to show me what floating in a wetsuit was like. He dragged me to La Jolla Shores kicking and screaming and rented me a wetsuit, booties, and fins. The rental guy could tell I was freaking out and thought I was a moron. I looked hideous – which is against everything I stand for at the ocean. I wobbled into the water and of course, the waves picked up (MK assured me it would be a super calm day). So there’s me, kinda cry-moan-whining, and him, holding me and making me put my feet up and out and get the fins on and practice the concepts of swimming. I am waaaaay to old for this.

I don’t want to learn to swim. He kept telling me it will be like skiing, which I was a major chicken about but now kick butt. But I WANTED to ski. I’d never tried it. I took a long time because I wanted to get it right. I don’t have dreams about dying skiing. I do have dreams (especially last night) of drowning*.

So we kinda just hung out there, until I calmed down and we had a few laughs. I kept hoping if I made it horrible enough he’d give up, but my husband is entirely too determined. He didn’t quit when I was hyperventilating, just told me that if I didn’t shut up the lifeguards would come try to rescue me and that would be the most embarrassing ever. I can’t say I swam, or snorkeled, but I got in the ocean yesterday, and hung out a little with my feet in the air.




*Do not tell me if I could SWIM, I wouldn’t DROWN. That logic doesn’t fly here.

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7 thoughts on “Scaring The Lifeguards

  1. The Almighty didn’t make you so swimsuit-worthy just so you’d go out and drown. Trust in the natural order of things.

    Okay, I don’t actually believe that, but I do believe you should be encouraged to go to the beach :p

  2. LOL at the above. It’s true, though– you were made for the beach. Lucky girl with a cute bod and naturally perfect tan skin. My spotty Irish self has skin envy.

  3. I will sit around all day, no worries. I trust I’m meant to sit in the sun and cook, not get in the water. Thanks both of you for making me feel a little better about myself 😉

  4. In response to the footnote, you shouldn’t be afraid to swim just because people who could swim well have drowned. There any many people who could ski well that have died skiing. Just look at Sonny Bono. You just have to stay within your limits.

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